too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
