who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Someone came in the potted fern
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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