I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
