If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
