my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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