I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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