I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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