I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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