At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
