You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
