dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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