I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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