4 words: hood of his car
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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