im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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