M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
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