Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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