How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
