paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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