I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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