I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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