Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
