I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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