i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
