It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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