If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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