so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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