Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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