I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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