i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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