i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
