I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
