I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
