I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
