i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
