Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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