well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
