filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You made out with two different species that night
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
