I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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