before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
