I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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