You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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