I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
