Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I think my moral compass just broke
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
