fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
