At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
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