i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
