u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I don't deserve a penis
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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