dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Randomize
