My boss' voice literally gives me gas
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
This is classic penis vs brain.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
