I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
