Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
