I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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