Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
this beer tastes like vomit already
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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