He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
