I can text with my tongue
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Randomize
