I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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